"You're soul you must keep totally free."

As I sit here, I consider life and all its possibilities. How I have changed from then and now.

I look at who I am. I think people in life get overwhelmed by all the beauty and opportunity there is. Yet, some people don't see much beauty and opportunity. Yet, the beauty one sees is a direct outcome of how open your eyes are to seeing the beauty and possibilities. More than anything, Johnny and mu mom have taught me this. So, always keep your eyes wide open and your soul, "totally free." Everyday is a new day. As I type this, all I can think about it is a line from a movie that stuck with me about how: God created days, so you could re-start the next day. So, wake up and make each day better the next day. Seize the Day. Carpe Diem.

"Do one thing a day that scares you." LIVE BY IT.

Well, I haven't written in a while, yet alot has happened in my life.

To start I graduated from high school. Thats was weird and it is still very weird. It's even weirder to think that in just a month I will be living in Ohio. Summer's been summer. I love summer, but I mean who doesn't. Summer is magical. Especially summer nights. Summer nights just feel different than any other night, any other time of the year. Some of my fondest memories come from events that occured on various summer nights. Lately, I have been trying to grasp that I am leaving La Canada, but it freaks me out. I have lived here my whole life and gone to school with the same people. I am comfortable here. I know it. I don't know Ohio. I am scared to leave my friends and my family. Anna, Matt, Michael, and Caitlin have been my best friends for as long as I can remember. My friends are my family. I have always said that if someone is close to me they know Joe. Joe is my dads best friend from college, who spends a lot of his time at my house. I guess, I have my niche and I am scared to not just leave it, but leave the area in which my niche is a part of: California. Enough about college. Let's see.

I started going to Bikram Yoga. My mom and I went on a whim. The first time was brutal. During the session I felt like I was slowly dying, but after, when I walked out of the heated room, I felt liberated. And that is simply why I returned. I went to three more yoga classes after the first one, two with Johnny. Its nice to go with someone because its comforting. i like knowing that there is someone cose to you and that in times of physical pain you cam just look up in to the mirror and be reminded that they are there. All in all, bikram yoga is great, I think all should try it.

I realized, recently, that I hold on to my past a lot. I dwell on it. I look at old pictures, too much. I am trying to hold on to it less, because I think it takes me away from the present because I compare my life now to how it was then. But i do love the past. And I do love the present. And the future is a little hazy.

This past weekend. I was home alone all weekend. I would normally be at a sleepaway camp with my sibilings but after eleven years I am too old to return this year. It was hard for me to go to the bus stop and drop them off because, I normally get on the bus. Gac for me, is my second home. Gold Arrow has helped me grow and I owe a lot of who I am today to the camp. Because of camp I have experienced so much and become imdependent. Talking about camp brings a smile to my face, a warming sensation. I long to be there, sleeping in cabings covered in a big green tent. Walking up a huge hill to meals three times a day. AHH i miss it terribly. Anyway while they were off, my parents went on a Honeymoon vacation, so there I was all alone in a modern house. Now don't get me wrong I enjoyed it. I had all the freedom I wanted. But the house seemed empty.This past week has really made me realize how much I appreciate and love my family. Even my distant family. My Aunt Deborah and Uncle Brent checked in on me his weekend and that really meant a lot. On Sunday, I spent three housrs over there with Johnny just talking to them. It was really special, and made me realize how thankful I am.

It has also made me realize how much i appreciate my friends, and the people in my life now. They stayed with me all weekend, and kept me company, night and day.

A few more thoughts. I have always had some animosity toward my dog, Dodger. He has always just kinda bothered me, I don't pay alot of attention to him. But this past week, being alone in the house, with him, has made me really acually grow to like him. To be honest, I enjoyed his company. He even slept with me a few nights. But I also owe my new found appreciation for Dodger to Johnny. He's loved Dodger from the beginning and seeing him enjoy time with Dodger has made me rethink my attitude towards my familys beloved dog.

Lets see:Lastly, I have decied not to waste time this last month doing what i do not want to do. I am going to see and do what I want to do. I want to spend time with my family. And by family I mean actual family and closest friends. I am going to embrace the time I have left with the people I have in my life here in LC California.

electric

I went to Coachella on a whim on Saturday. Kinlee and I snuck in and to say the least, it was amazing. I haven't felt that happy in a long long time..well since last summer( and I am very happy now, that was just another level). I just felt so free and electric. Good Good times.

AND to make things better, I committed to Denison University today, which i am SO SO excited about. Its always been the place I wanted to go (it just feels right), I was just unsure if I should commit yet and look into the other schools I got into BUT my gut said and says Denison. AND i follow my gut a lot of the time. So I am Ohio bound in August. Well anyway, I had a good weekend. Went for a bike ride today and re-organized my room and closet like I do every Sunday. All in all, alot of things were put into perspective for me this past week and weekend and I had a lot of good bonding time with people. I also realized today how thankful I am for my mom, I love her, as well as my Dad..and his endless jokes, Maddie (who went on a date tonight) and Clayton. I have also been thinking alot lately about the people who have come in and out of my life(either from camp etc. or just a falling out HAH) and its so bittersweet. Some people have really left a mark and it makes me sad because I miss them and our memories but I am trying to embrace them and enjoy all the good friends I have in my life at the moment. I also got in this deep convo. with kinlee and well: the world is so vast. There is so much to see and experience, its endless. It bothers me that people get so caught up in the small things, which is okay every once in a while, as long as you know that there is more out there. Which there is. Good and Bad. I want to experience it all and make a change. Well that is all and GOOD NIGHT.

the marrow of life

Nature is the best escape.

Through good and bad, I go to nature. The stars are my healing, I love to lay out under the stars in my backyard. My mind just wanders and everything that I can't face or put aside is brought back to me. Sometimes I am under the stars for fifteen minutes and sometimes for an hour, but I know I am ready to stand up, when I am healed and am at peace, if only temporary. I can't communicate with my best friend anymore but, when I look at the stars I feel like we are oddly connecting because that is how she healed as well and after she left, in a letter we decided we would both look to the stars for guidance. Thinking about it, I also think I love laying under the stars because some of my fondest memories are late nights under the stars. Take a walk in nature. Lay under the stars.

a mark of expression.

Let me start by saying. Hello and welcome. I started this blog tonight because I felt inspired.

I feel so overwhelmed, I have so many feelings. Never have I felt this confused in my life. Its so weird, so much has changed, but yet hasn't. Its this weird thing. And that fact that summer is coming, that scares me. Tonight I was talking with some people and we were talking about happiness. Happiness is the single most important thing. It should guide us, in everything. I treasure my happy moments, a little to closely at times, yes, but I do. And as hard at it is, I need to step further away from those moment and live more for now. Living in the present is everything. My time here is short and I want to enjoy every day for what it is. And you know what, that is why days were created, so you can make the biggest mistake and restart the next day.

I guess I am just looking for who I really am, I am searching for what truly makes me happy.