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I feel liberated, for so many reasons. I am going to keep this short.  Feeling something for someone is a great feeling, one of the best. Especially when its true, real and deep. That is the one thing I have learned, if anything. It really is all about trust.   Here I am finally liking someone, finally putting myself out there and its all putting the past into perspective.  I know what I would have chosen I finally know.  I would have chosen the one I trusted, and therefore the one I truly loved.  The other person was just a filler and has affected me like he had because he hurt me but it wasn't real it was just there and not valued and I hated that I could be so denied.  It means something that I was willing to let one go and acted controlling over the other.  One can think what one wants, and love does make you crazy and all but in the purest sense. When love makes you crazy it can't be possessive, controlling, or insulting. Thats why I finally know what  I would have chosen.  When one came to an end, I acted mad- but not driven by love. Just mad.  When the other faded out, I wasn't mad and when they found someone knew, I wasn't mad. I just wanted the honest truth.  I think thats what love truly is in its rawest form- its not selfish...you want the other person to be happy.  I was happy for Johnny, and not for the other. Wow.  That really is what love is. But it takes time, trials and tribulations. There really are so many different kinds of love, I guess you need to find what works and even then, you cannot always find the purest form.  Yet, you can look and connections will be made. I do not even know if I have found pure true love (in reality, probably not) but I now know what was more real and what was more selfish.  Yet, the question is still begged who is to put a name on love? Because when its right, its right, right? At the time it was right, for that time. There should be no ifs, and, and buts.  Its amazing to me that this is all coming to me now....in the library, a few years later.  I think it was a lot of things, time included, but really I think it was meeting someone who actually made me feel something...if even temporary.

i miss the stars

lost

I want to find my confidence again. I am still confident i know I am but its not as powerful as it used to be. I want it back. I want to be set in my ways again. I guess I want to be the girl that knows what she wants.
I really haven't wrote in so long, it feels so good. I haven't let myself write, I think I've been afraid of what I might write. I am a sophmore in college, I can't believe that. I don't know where time went, I think about that everyday. I love my life now, but theres a lot that I miss too. Its weird how life just goes...time flies. I want to feel fully again, I want myself. I need a release. I miss the people who ground me, the people I grew up with, that have known me all my life

I guess i don't want to grow up. I don't think i am ready, not a bit. I guess all I can do and need to work on is not dwelling on the past, on every bit of it, and then I can live more now and look to the future.
There is so much I love in life. So many people have come in and out, stayed with me; and affected me and I am so thankful for everyone. I know that, I know that I am lucky.

....I am going to lay and think....more to come tomorrow.

gems and jewels and such

Recently, I've had so many thoughts. endless.

I have six weeks until summer, until I am back in California. I miss home so much and I want school to be over. Recently schools been so defeating, I try and I try and yet i find my self endlessly being shot down. ANYWAY summer i can't wait. but its not even that i just want to be home. I want the past back. NO. i want some people back. maybe thats better. Yet, you cant hold on forever right, you gotta move on sometime. Or can you hold on forever? Now, thats a thought.

I really want to make a change. School isnt enough, i feel so out of the loop. I want to help those suffering in Japan and through out Africa. I want to lessen poverty. I want to make people more aware. I want to just go. I want to create, and see.

Today, in Philosophy we talked about souls. What is a soul and how is it defined? How can you prove the existance of a soul. I feel like ones soul is never ending. Ones soul is a beautiful thing; it is them in every form.

I got back from NY yesterday; it was a blast but very tiring. I got in some quality time with grandma and friends. The city perplexes me. There is so much to see and experience. Everyday is changing; new york is evolving every day. The city inspires me to be something bigger, better, but yet to always be myself. Cuz without knowing or being true to yourself how can you put yourself fourth. After NY, I was scared because I realized how much I really cared for someone, a great amount. What does that mean? Can you ever care for someone too much? And if you care for someone that much should you be with them?

I want to live in New York City one day, its been decided.

I go forward looking forward to being home and being happy, being content; wondering where things will go next, all the while missing people.