lost

I want to find my confidence again. I am still confident i know I am but its not as powerful as it used to be. I want it back. I want to be set in my ways again. I guess I want to be the girl that knows what she wants.
I really haven't wrote in so long, it feels so good. I haven't let myself write, I think I've been afraid of what I might write. I am a sophmore in college, I can't believe that. I don't know where time went, I think about that everyday. I love my life now, but theres a lot that I miss too. Its weird how life just goes...time flies. I want to feel fully again, I want myself. I need a release. I miss the people who ground me, the people I grew up with, that have known me all my life

I guess i don't want to grow up. I don't think i am ready, not a bit. I guess all I can do and need to work on is not dwelling on the past, on every bit of it, and then I can live more now and look to the future.
There is so much I love in life. So many people have come in and out, stayed with me; and affected me and I am so thankful for everyone. I know that, I know that I am lucky.

....I am going to lay and think....more to come tomorrow.

gems and jewels and such

Recently, I've had so many thoughts. endless.

I have six weeks until summer, until I am back in California. I miss home so much and I want school to be over. Recently schools been so defeating, I try and I try and yet i find my self endlessly being shot down. ANYWAY summer i can't wait. but its not even that i just want to be home. I want the past back. NO. i want some people back. maybe thats better. Yet, you cant hold on forever right, you gotta move on sometime. Or can you hold on forever? Now, thats a thought.

I really want to make a change. School isnt enough, i feel so out of the loop. I want to help those suffering in Japan and through out Africa. I want to lessen poverty. I want to make people more aware. I want to just go. I want to create, and see.

Today, in Philosophy we talked about souls. What is a soul and how is it defined? How can you prove the existance of a soul. I feel like ones soul is never ending. Ones soul is a beautiful thing; it is them in every form.

I got back from NY yesterday; it was a blast but very tiring. I got in some quality time with grandma and friends. The city perplexes me. There is so much to see and experience. Everyday is changing; new york is evolving every day. The city inspires me to be something bigger, better, but yet to always be myself. Cuz without knowing or being true to yourself how can you put yourself fourth. After NY, I was scared because I realized how much I really cared for someone, a great amount. What does that mean? Can you ever care for someone too much? And if you care for someone that much should you be with them?

I want to live in New York City one day, its been decided.

I go forward looking forward to being home and being happy, being content; wondering where things will go next, all the while missing people.

"You're soul you must keep totally free."

As I sit here, I consider life and all its possibilities. How I have changed from then and now.

I look at who I am. I think people in life get overwhelmed by all the beauty and opportunity there is. Yet, some people don't see much beauty and opportunity. Yet, the beauty one sees is a direct outcome of how open your eyes are to seeing the beauty and possibilities. More than anything, Johnny and mu mom have taught me this. So, always keep your eyes wide open and your soul, "totally free." Everyday is a new day. As I type this, all I can think about it is a line from a movie that stuck with me about how: God created days, so you could re-start the next day. So, wake up and make each day better the next day. Seize the Day. Carpe Diem.

"Do one thing a day that scares you." LIVE BY IT.

Well, I haven't written in a while, yet alot has happened in my life.

To start I graduated from high school. Thats was weird and it is still very weird. It's even weirder to think that in just a month I will be living in Ohio. Summer's been summer. I love summer, but I mean who doesn't. Summer is magical. Especially summer nights. Summer nights just feel different than any other night, any other time of the year. Some of my fondest memories come from events that occured on various summer nights. Lately, I have been trying to grasp that I am leaving La Canada, but it freaks me out. I have lived here my whole life and gone to school with the same people. I am comfortable here. I know it. I don't know Ohio. I am scared to leave my friends and my family. Anna, Matt, Michael, and Caitlin have been my best friends for as long as I can remember. My friends are my family. I have always said that if someone is close to me they know Joe. Joe is my dads best friend from college, who spends a lot of his time at my house. I guess, I have my niche and I am scared to not just leave it, but leave the area in which my niche is a part of: California. Enough about college. Let's see.

I started going to Bikram Yoga. My mom and I went on a whim. The first time was brutal. During the session I felt like I was slowly dying, but after, when I walked out of the heated room, I felt liberated. And that is simply why I returned. I went to three more yoga classes after the first one, two with Johnny. Its nice to go with someone because its comforting. i like knowing that there is someone cose to you and that in times of physical pain you cam just look up in to the mirror and be reminded that they are there. All in all, bikram yoga is great, I think all should try it.

I realized, recently, that I hold on to my past a lot. I dwell on it. I look at old pictures, too much. I am trying to hold on to it less, because I think it takes me away from the present because I compare my life now to how it was then. But i do love the past. And I do love the present. And the future is a little hazy.

This past weekend. I was home alone all weekend. I would normally be at a sleepaway camp with my sibilings but after eleven years I am too old to return this year. It was hard for me to go to the bus stop and drop them off because, I normally get on the bus. Gac for me, is my second home. Gold Arrow has helped me grow and I owe a lot of who I am today to the camp. Because of camp I have experienced so much and become imdependent. Talking about camp brings a smile to my face, a warming sensation. I long to be there, sleeping in cabings covered in a big green tent. Walking up a huge hill to meals three times a day. AHH i miss it terribly. Anyway while they were off, my parents went on a Honeymoon vacation, so there I was all alone in a modern house. Now don't get me wrong I enjoyed it. I had all the freedom I wanted. But the house seemed empty.This past week has really made me realize how much I appreciate and love my family. Even my distant family. My Aunt Deborah and Uncle Brent checked in on me his weekend and that really meant a lot. On Sunday, I spent three housrs over there with Johnny just talking to them. It was really special, and made me realize how thankful I am.

It has also made me realize how much i appreciate my friends, and the people in my life now. They stayed with me all weekend, and kept me company, night and day.

A few more thoughts. I have always had some animosity toward my dog, Dodger. He has always just kinda bothered me, I don't pay alot of attention to him. But this past week, being alone in the house, with him, has made me really acually grow to like him. To be honest, I enjoyed his company. He even slept with me a few nights. But I also owe my new found appreciation for Dodger to Johnny. He's loved Dodger from the beginning and seeing him enjoy time with Dodger has made me rethink my attitude towards my familys beloved dog.

Lets see:Lastly, I have decied not to waste time this last month doing what i do not want to do. I am going to see and do what I want to do. I want to spend time with my family. And by family I mean actual family and closest friends. I am going to embrace the time I have left with the people I have in my life here in LC California.